Pretty Flowers

Samantha's Sweet Li'l Tree

Seeking Solace, Finding Joy

I don't even know where to start. There is so much swirling in head and heart right now.

Empathy. Love. Hurt. Joy.

The tears come so easily but I keep tamping them down. I know soon I will have to find a place to just let them fall. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Dear Friends of ours lost a precious little life last week. Their pregnancy ended after only 6 1/2 weeks. Hubby, Maggie and I gathered with their family and friends to acknowledge the treasure of Kolbe Michael. To confess our belief that he is with Jesus. To give comfort and love, and to find support in shared experiences.

Will you please lift them up in prayer?

He and his parents have been on my heart so much, and I just wanted to share his name with you all, to acknowledge this life. Kolbe Michael. He was (and is) loved. He is treasured. He is wanted. He is missed. And his parents will never be the same.

It is amazing to me that a life so short can touch a person so powerfully. Especially as a mother. To know that a life is growing inside of you is an awesome thing to wrap your head and heart around. The bond of love is immediate. And to not hold that child in your arms is devastating.

Most of you know about our daughter, Samantha. Many of you may not realize that Hubby and I lost our first child the year before Samantha, when I was about 9 weeks pregnant. The imprint that child made on my heart is no less than that of Samantha, or of Maggie.

My joy at having Maggie whole and healthy and here with me does not erase the heartache of my sweet ones in Heaven. But ...

... and it's a Big But ...

... like our Dear Friends, I take consolation in the knowledge that our babies are in the arms of Jesus, and are happy and whole in their heavenly playground, knowing we love them and waiting for us to one day join them. What a joyous reunion that will be!

And that's the thought that makes me smile through the tears.

Halloweeny Game Time

Here's my little Auburn Tiger on her 1st Halloween!

She totally pooped out at the game (ASU v Cal ... we have got to teach these folks out here how to enjoy a football game!!) ... and it was ridiculously hot for an October football game, so we had to strip her down to her onesie. We were all sweaty and hot by the time we left.

Maggie also came to my work on Friday to go 'trick-or-treating' ... for college money, since she's too young for candy. I think maybe she got a quarter ... gotta start somewhere!!

We also visited Samantha, where I had recently put up her fall flowers. As you can see, Maggie very much wanted to get her hands on them ... so she could put them in her mouth, of course :)

Hope y'all had a nice weekend, and a blessed All Saints Day.

Day of Remembrance

Today is a day close to my heart ... it is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. As some of you may know, Hubby and I had 2 losses prior to our Maggie.

Our first baby was an early loss at 9 weeks, on January 26, 2007.

Our second was a precious little girl, Samantha Michelle, on April 11, 2008. She was born at 19 weeks gestation and was just too tiny to stay with us here on Earth. Samantha lived for about 4 hours, and we spent that time holding her and touching her and just looking at her, trying to imprint our minds with her beautiful image. Our priest came to the hospital to baptize her, and even though I was in recovery and could not be a part of it, I am so grateful for Fr. John's time and support for us that day. His words that day and at her funeral Mass were so comforting to me, and I know she is alive and well and loved and cared for in Heaven.

That doesn't stop me from missing her, though.

Samantha's due date was September 4, 2008, and I remember we were on a mini-retreat with the RCIA group the Saturday of that week. We had a Lord's Day dinner at the end of the day where we each share our burdens and blessings and lay them before Jesus, and I remember just crying and crying because I felt Samantha's loss so much. It was a physical pain in my heart and I had a hard time catching my breath. The thing I didn't know was that at that very moment I was pregnant with Maggie.

Blessings and burdens. And Jesus is present in them all.

Many of you probably already know Angie at Bring the Rain, and the story of her daughter, Audrey Caroline. She is opening her blog comments today for everyone who has suffered an infant loss, and has committed to spending the day in prayer for all of us who have grieving hearts. Visit her if you can, and glance through the stories of lost babies, and lift those parents up in prayer. There is a lot of hurt, but a lot more God, and we know he hears us.

PS: I'm also using this as a time to 'retire' the poem on my sidebar, Remembering. No reason beyond I just feel it is time. It's personal, and taking it down is symbolic for me of where I am in my journey now.

Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
the tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent

Casting Off the Mantle of Grief

Update: Just wanted to tell y'all that STELLAN IS ON HIS WAY HOME.
Praise God for answering all of our prayers!

Original Post:

This may seem a little out of left field, but this has just been on my heart lately, and this place is usually the best way for me to work things out ... writing often helps me purge, so to speak ... so here goes ...

Y'all know I like to keep this blog upbeat. Slightly humorous if possible. A bit fun. I don't often deal with deep subjects here but this is one that has been weighing on me, so get ready for some Serious Discussion. And this may ramble a bit, so be patient :)

It's a little surreal, being happy for the life of one child when you're still dealing with the loss of another.

I come from a line of Strong People. On my mom's side of the family, we're eat up with Irish and Welsh ancestry, so we tend to be an emotional people (boy howdy!). But we are also a strong-willed people, and all seem to have an innate understanding that life isn't always fair, crap happens, and at some point, you've got to get on with life. Even when death is involved. Deal, and move on.

Move on. I think those are two words that are often misunderstood. After a death, there will be a time when someone will tell you it's time to "move on", that so-and-so would want you to "move on", that "moving on" is normal and necessary. I don't necessarily disagree, I just don't think there's a proper understanding of "moving on".

I don't think moving on has anything to do with forgetting. Moving on has to do with living, not existing. And there is a big difference there, my friends. Honoring the person you love and lost in the way you choose to live, and remembering them with joy, not sorrow, isn't always easy. It doesn't mean sorrow disappears. I just think living with joy honors our Butterbean more than dwelling in despair.

I love Samantha. There are days I still cry over the loss of her. I know my life would be infinitely more blessed if she were in my lap right now as I shared stories of her day with you, as opposed to speaking of her death. My life would be more blessed with Samantha here ... but it was still blessed because of her.

I want to remember those moments and minutes with her with JOY, because she blessed our lives.

My life was blessed because of her life, however short is was on this Earth. And "moving on" in no way means that I will forget her. That can never happen. But I don't want to spend every day covered in a mantle of grief. And I believe it's my choice to not let that happen.

I can choose to remember Samantha with tears and sadness, covered in an overwhelming grief the likes of which no happiness can penetrate....or, I can "move on". I can be thankful for the gift of her life.

I can remember that she had her daddy's nose. And my mouth. And long fingers, like the piano player she would have been forced into being :) I can smile when I think of her, and remember her as the joy she was intended by God to be to us.

Or I can wrap myself in that mantle and wallow.

And really, I'm not a wallow-er.

I know there will still be difficult days for me. I know sometimes the thought of her will bring me to tears. And that's okay. 25 years from now that will still be okay.

But between now and then, as Samantha rejoices in Heaven with the God who blessed us with her and who one day we will meet with her, would her life not be better reflected in us through love and joy and an abundant life in God, here, right now? I think so. It's how I choose to honor her. To live life in Christ, in love and with sustaining grace, remembering that even though I am marked with sorrow, that my earthly joy is but a reflection of the joy we will one day have together in Heaven.

Samantha is in Heaven. She is in a more glorious place than we can comprehend. She's happy. Why shouldn't we be, too?

Today

Today was our original due date. The day we were to meet Samantha until unforeseen complications took her from us.

We love you, sweet baby girl.

We wish you were here.

Praise God

We received another bill from another doctor today. One month exactly before Samantha's due date. I don't even know how to feel about that. You numb yourself and keep those images and memories that hurt tucked down so you can get through a "normal" day. Then you get a doctor's bill. You see all the pain of trying to keep your child alive and the hurt of her loss itemized to include insurance considerations. It's surreal.

It's hard some days to know she's with Jesus, when the selfish part of me wants her here.

The truth of her place in heaven gives comfort while at the same time reminding me one more time that she's gone.

So, sometimes I struggle to praise God through my pain.

Sometimes I hurt too much.

Sometimes I'm just plain angry.

But I'm trying.

Deliver me, O Lord, and my family, as Thou didst deliver Job from his sufferings. Amen.

My particular job doesn't necessarily lend itself to healing. I do my best to smile and comfort those who come to us for help. But last week I had to leave my office for the better part of an hour while a service for a baby was held because I couldn't stand to hear that dear family's grief. At times like that it seems more than I can bear.

Then I remember what my godmother wrote to me:

It's not that God doesn't give us more than we can handle - He just doesn't give us more than we can handle with Him.

It's that last part that helps me to keep chugging along. Even if I stumble a lot (and I do!) and scrape my knees up (all the time!), Jesus still loves me, is still there to comfort me, will always hold my hand, and will forget my tantrums long before I do (guilt...what can I say, I'm pretty sure I have an honorary degree in it).

But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them. ~Nehemiah 7:17b

Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

Samantha's Place

The memorial for our Samantha arrived, so we thought we'd post a picture for those interested in seeing where she rests. (You can click the picture to see it bigger.) Below is the scripture reference we chose for her marker. It was the Gospel reading at her funeral Mass.

And people were bringing children to him that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he became indignant and said to them, 'Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.' Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them. ~Mark 10:13-16

All Things Are Possible...

Remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: The favors of the LORD are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the LORD, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him. ~Lamentations 3:20-24

WARNING: The following contains a little information about girl inside-parts. If this is something you'd rather not know about, stop here (I say this for those men who, like my husband, get the willies when you talk about girl inside-parts...though he had a crash course the week I was in the hospital and is now doing much better about that).

Jorde and I had our follow-up appointment this morning with the specialists' group, Phoenix Perinatal Associates (you can check them out at http://www.phoenixperinatalassociates.com/). Though, Dr. Elliot took care of us in the hospital, we saw Dr. Spence today in the office. She was very kind and sincere, very informative, and very positive about our ability to have a successful pregnancy. Jorde and I had to retell everything that happened with both of our pregnancies, with emphasis on this last one, so of course, there were some tears involved. Dr. Elliot initially reported the cause might be incompetent cervix, but Dr. Spence, while allowing that she could be wrong and that we would monitor it next time anyway, does not believe that is the culprit. From our account and the reports she received from the hospital, Dr. Spence believes that the placenta separated from the uterine wall, which caused everything else that happened. She said that usually happens from 1 of 2 things: the mother's high blood pressure (they can't fix this) or blood clots that form along the uterine wall that don't allow the placenta to fully attach (due to the clotting nature of the mother's blood, which they can fix). The super-infection I had in my placenta this time around most likely occurred after my cervix started dilating ... once that happens, even just a little, the womb is open to any bacteria (natural to my body or from an outside source). The cerclage (the stitching-the-cervix-closed procedure) probably didn't cause it, but it gave it a dark, wet place to grow. However, she said nothing that was done or not done would have changed the outcome of this pregnancy.

As upset as I was to hear that my body is not fully cooperating in our pregnancies, Dr. Spence was very positive about our ability to carry a baby full term. Though my high blood pressure is controlled by medication, she wants me to work on lowering it naturally. Therefore, my job is to lower my weight and get healthier (Jorde's in on this plan, too...if I can do it, he can do it!). I will also start taking extra folic acid all the time (it's not just good during pregnancy, but is also good for your heart) along with continuing my prenatal vitamins. Her job will be, apparently, to run every conceivable test on me, work with us to form a plan for when we get pregnant, then keep me pregnant when it happens (there will be LOTS of doctor appointments next time around...at least once a week). She was very encouraging and told us a few times not to get discouraged or give up. She even gave Jorde a "weekend getaway plan", complete with candles, wine, and Victoria's Secret, for October (when we're officially allowed to start trying again). Dr. Spence has had 9 lost babies and has no children, so she sympathized with us in ways other doctors wouldn't be able to. I believe we both left feeling more hopeful for our chances of having a baby.

Also, I received a call from my regular OB, Dr. Mayer, last Thursday evening. She wanted to check on us and see how we were doing. I just love that she does that. It shows the kind of person she is, and is part of the reason she's such a good doctor.

We appreciate all the love, prayers, support, and food everyone has given us over the past few weeks. We are so grateful for each of you.

Samantha Michelle Webb

With sadness we share the news that our daughter, Samantha Michelle, arrived at 19 weeks old, on Friday, April 11, 2008 at 10:05 am. She was with us for 4 precious hours. Our priest baptized her before she left us, and we know that, though we miss her so desperately and our grief is overwhelming, she is in our Lord's loving care. She was perfect in every way, only too tiny to stay with us long.

A Mass of the Resurrection will be celebrated for Samantha on Tuesday, April 15, 2008, at 10:30 am, at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church in Tempe, Arizona. She will be placed in the Garden of Angels at Mariposa Gardens Memorial Park, where Jennie works. It is as close as we can be to her until we are reunited in Heaven.

We don't yet know the reason for the events of this past week. For those interested, we will update our blog with any information we receive from our doctors over the next couple of weeks or so. Plus, what we do know will take some time to convey, and I'm honestly not up to that right now.

Thank you for your love, support, and prayers for our family. They worked...Samantha was perfect. Please keep us in your thoughts over the next few weeks or months as we try to heal, emotionally and physically.

Samantha will always be with us in our hearts.

Introducing ... Butterbean!

For those who aren't yet "in the know", we (meaning me and my friends/family ... Jorde thinks it's weird) have dubbed Baby Webb "Butterbean" during it's in utero life. We're not finding out the sex of said child and I just cannot refer to the baby as "the baby" or "him/her" or "it" for 5 more months, plus, it's kind of becoming a tradition in my circle of friends back home. Why Butterbean, you may ask? Well, for one, it's Southern, and while I don't live there anymore, I love my home state, and the manners and morals that are still expected there, and hope to raise our child as a Southerner-in-exile (I mean face it, Southerners are known for their manners and hospitality, and "yes ma'am" and "no, sir", and we will teach those lessons to our kiddos). Secondly, little Butterbean's due date is September 4th, which is not only the birthday of Jorde's sister, Erin, but also the birthday of my godson, Ian, who was known as "Pea" until his arrival, so it's keeping it in the family, so to speak. And lastly...honestly, the first ultrasound we had at about 6 weeks 5 days looked like a butterbean!

We also have one of our current ultrasound pictures above (our appointment was this morning). Nope, we didn't spring for the fancy-shmancy 3D picture...let's save that $$ for pictures of Butterbean that people will want to keep, ya know, or at least be able to hang on their fridge without someone going "what's that?" According to our ultrasound tech, Katherine, Butterbean looks perfect. Good grief, can that little one move!! Katherine had to chase him/her at times to get the measurements she needed! We got to see the heart (& it's 4 chambers), the brain (& it's 2 halves plus the cerebellum), the spine, plus the belly and leg bones and arms and hands and feet. And, she thinks we have a thumb or finger sucker on our hands :) She also thinks that, if growth continues as it has thus far, we may have an above-average-sized baby to birth (definitely news I wasn't prepared for!) All in all, a very cool, surreal, and wonderful experience.

Also, the fibroid cyst on my uterus she found and measured at our last appointment (at the end of February) has basically shrunk to half the size it was, which was also nice to hear. One less thing to worry about.

As always, we'll continue to keep you updated as our pregnancy progresses. No weird cravings, as yet (people keep asking), though I don't seem to really want chocolate at all which, seriously, that's just WEIRD. Other than that and the fact that moo-juice and it's byproducts make me very green, nothing out of the ordinary happening. Just glad to be feeling well, and happy that baby is growing and healthy :)

Continued thanks for all the prayers for Butterbean and us. We appreciate them more than we can express. Until next time ... Love and hugs all around :)